I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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