Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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