Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
