also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
