I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
