Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's official drugs can't kill me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
