He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
