I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize