K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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