My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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