WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
