I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
3 2 1 whiskey
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
