bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
