A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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