U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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