I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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