Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
