Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
