i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
