Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
