I'm eating all of the evidence.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to make out with him forever
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
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