sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
