I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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