Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
