What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
