Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize