"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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