You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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