Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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