i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I stole a fireplace last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
