I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
