Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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