wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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