This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
