I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
