Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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