I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
