why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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