forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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