I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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