Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize