My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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