He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
