Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
