Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
wakey wakey hands off snakey
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
