remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
