so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
