So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
