he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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