I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
