I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
