i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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