I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize