Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize