I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
BRING THE BAGELS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
