I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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