my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
