So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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